Nativity Nightmares

I have been inspired by some of the comments on my previous post to reminisce over Christmas Productions past. It's amazing how many funny things happen and you think you've forgotten them but they're all stored away there somewhere. Fortunately for me, as I was always the narrator when I was at school, none of them actually involve me directly but since I became a teacher the mistakes have strangely flowed thick and fast from the children. Hmm.

Ok, coming up first...
1. Imagine our school hall as a piece of A4 paper, lying landscape before you. On the left hand corner, furthest away from you is the piano, where I was sitting. and to the right of that would be the stage. During one infant production, the main characters were all on the stage in a sort of Nativity tableau. You know the kind of thing; baby Jesus at the front, Mary and Joseph looking down at him adoringly, then a random assortment of shepherds in dressing gowns and wise men with jewelled crowns made from Quality Street wrappers kneeling up behind them... Anyhoo, they were all singing a twee little song (grr) which I was accompanying when I noticed a slight disturbance coming from the back of the stage. Because of my location (to one side of the performers, rather than in front like the other teachers) I could see what no one else could see. That one of the Wise Men had, rather unwisely it has to be said, leant back and found only a curtain behind him instead of the pillar he was expecting and had tumbled off the stage backwards. Imagine my dilemma. I was the only person who knew this had happened (Year 2 children are only worried about themselves really, so none of his colleagues had noticed) and I was in the middle of playing a song. Furthermore, all that was now visible of the unwise man were his feet sticking up in the air (there not being actually much room behind the stage he was sort of folded up like a small, rather rotund yet beautifully bejewelled deck chair!) which was incredibly funny. Now, in my years of teaching I have learnt that parents do not generally like to see teachers laughing at their children when they are in mortal danger so I had to try not to laugh. I sort of managed that but the concentration I was using to not laugh had to come from somewhere. It came from the reserve I was using to play the ridiculously twee little carol. Those of you who know me well might be surprised to learn that in some circles I am considered to be a highly profficient pianist (I know! It's all relative of course) so fortunately, the bum notes I hit drew the attention of another teacher and I was able to draw her attention to the kingly pair of Clarks shoes only just visible in the gap between Shepherd 3 and Wise man 2. She in turn signalled to a teaching assistant who hoiked him back to his feet and everything was fine (except perhaps my reputation as an infallible pianist)

2. Don't worry this one is shorter and certainly not the first time it has happened in a Christmas play, but the first time it has happened to me. One of the children playing a main part was recapping on the story so far and informed the audience that the baby had been given gift of gold, FRANKENSTEIN and myrrh.

3. Last year, Mary's dad (don't ask, it was a fairly modern version of the traditional story) raised a glass to the baby Jesus in which he was supposed to say "To the best little lad in the world" but instead said "to the best looking lad in the world!" This was the same production where Mary, obviously tired and overwhelmed by the pressures of a new baby at the tender age of 10 and a half, picked up the baby Jesus by his little plastic head. Oh, and while everyone else was barefoot to add a degree of realism, she refused to take her socks off.

Roll on 21st December when I'll be safe for another year!

p.s. anyone know why blogger won't let me upload pictures at the moment? Answers on a postcard...